From the Vault: What Would Bert Write?

You drive an American motorcycle. You’ve got it equipped with American-made aftermarket parts. After all, they’re named after lakes in California and deserts in Arizona, so they’ve got to be from this great country of ours, right? You can’t always be so sure.

In this edition of From the Vault, we zoom back to 2009. In this article, Bert Baker is inspired by a latrine-mouthed trucker and launches a new concept called Born-to-Fuck truth in marketing. Call it like you see it, call it what it is, and call em out if they’re trying to co-opt American identity to make a quick yuan.

American truckers have their own language and their own world and are the transportation backbone of the greatest country on earth. They transport products from coast to coast to make our consumer-based society a reality. They are also colorful people as shown by these examples of trucker language:

Lot lizard; prostitute that frequents truck stops
Latrine lips; one who swears a lot on the CB radio
Trucker bombs; when a trucker releases enough ass methane to ignite the cab of the truck if he’s smoking

Quite often truckers will put a motto or message across the back of their cab. “Jesus Saves” is a popular one. I’ve also seen “Git-R-Dun” and “Lady Trucker.” Early this year I was driving down I-75 and saw one that really caught my eye; it said “Born to Fuck” in big bold letters. Wow. I’ve been called a sociopath and I do have a pathological aversion to conformity but this one really baked my noodle. At first, I wanted to sell all my material possessions, become one of his disciples, and spend the rest of my days spreading the word at trucks stops across America. Then weeks later I realized the crystalline purity of his message. He was speaking the unmitigated truth. We are all born to fuck and that is how the human race is propagated; that fact cannot be denied. We are born, we fornicate, and we die; that’s the program folks. Playing ‘hide the weenie’ is a time honored drinking sport and will never go out of style. Perhaps he could have picked some PC words to convey his message to the world but I’m a big fan of the constitutional first amendment so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Get out the nitrous and some heavy duty balloons and I’ll introduce to a new concept called Born-to-Fuck truth in marketing…

Kia makes a minivan called the Sedona. The Korean car company named their vehicle after the scenic area in Arizona. I’ve been to that area of the country and the beauty is breathtaking; it is a national treasure but the last thing on my mind during my visit was some shitty foreign car. So, why didn’t they name it the Kia ‘Kim Chee’ (means rotten cabbage in Korean) or Kia ‘Unemployed American’ or some name that truly represented what it is? They did this because the word Sedona is familiar to most Americans. As such, it’s convenient to ignore the fact that a transfer of American wealth to Korea is automatic with the purchase of each vehicle.

I was in Sears buying a set of tools for our 20 year old son who recently got his own apartment. What better legacy for a young man than a box of good old American tools that will last a lifetime. Sears now carries a line of tools called “Evolv” right along side their traditional Craftsmen wrenches. Dingle berries on my ass! Yep, you guessed it; lower cost communist Chinese shit tools in Sears. In keeping with the new Born-to-Fuck philosophy they should have named their fancy new life of shit tools ‘Chinese Military Fund’ instead of Evolv. Because right now, while the world is arguing about Iraq and Afghanistan, the Chinese are well on their way to building the biggest military machine in the history of the world.

It's just like meeting a new chick and bringing her back to your place for a little game of ‘hide the weenie.’ You whip off your britches, she snatches off her skirt and you discover the he-she has a bigger crank than you do. Know what you got before you bring it home. A lot of products for your American motorcycle are marketed under traditional American brands or carry American sounding names but are anything but. Know what you are buying before you bring it home and put it on your motorcycle or you may end up with a little 3” yellow wiener in your butt.